Star Wands
by Runt Thunderbelch
Summary: Harry Potter characters in a Star Wars universe.
1. The Boy Who Limped

Disclaimer: I own the rights neither to

_Star Wars_ nor to _Harry Potter._

Star Wands

By

Runt Thunderbelch

Chapter One: The Boy Who Limped

The Dursley family of No. 4 Wasteland Road wanted to have nothing to do at all with the Great Galactic Rebellion, thank you very much.

Vernon Dursley was a farmer, at least in theory. He'd go out to his dusty fields everyday looking for a sprig of green anywhere, and would trudge home in the evening wishing he'd purchased land which had at least a few drops of water. Aunt Cactus Flower would be waiting for him in kitchen with his dinner of overcooked food stamps (which tasted horrible, by the way). They had one son, whose name they thought was Dudley, or Donald, or Devon, something starting with a "D" anyway.

And then there was Harry. Harry Potwalker. He wasn't their kid. They weren't too sure where he'd come from. Let this be a lesson to you: Don't do drugs.

CRASH! BANG! THUD!

"Uncle Vernon!" shrieked Harry. "The sky is falling! A piece of it just hit me on the toe!"

The fat man waddled out into his desolate front yard. "What are you on about?"

"Why does Harry get to have a piece of sky hit him on the toe?" whined Dilbert (or maybe Dimwittie). "I wanna have a piece of the sky hit me on the toe too! I want two pieces of the sky hit me!"

Harry was limping in circles muttering, "Ow, ow, ow."

Uncle Vernon was peering upwards. "Looks like some kind of space battle going on up there."

۞

Fred and George Weasley crouched in the corridor of the fleeing starship.

"Did you hear that?"

"They've shut down the main reactor!"

"We're doomed."

A group of witches and wizards ran by, wands at the ready. Fred and George saw which way they were going and quickly lit off in the opposite direction.

The witches and wizards took up positions near the main entryway. They aimed their wands and chanted incantations which set up overlapping charms of protection. They were sure nothing could get through these shield spells.

The main hatch blew away as if had been no more than a dust mote in a supernova. In charged heavily armored Death Eaters. They pointed their wands. "AVADA KEDAVRA!"

The witches and wizards dropped dead.

In strode the dark and ominous figure of Darth Snape. He held up a small vial. "Potion? Would anyone care for some potion? I made it myself."

One of the Death Eaters informed him. "They're all dead, Lord Snape."

"Dead? But I have this delicious potion that . . . Oh well. What's done is done. Round up some prisoners for me, please? Live ones this time."

۞

"George? George?" Fred was looking around for his twin brother. "George?" A door slid open, and he espied George and Princess Hermione locked in some kind of an . . . euuuu!" He ducked back outside, pretending he'd seen nothing.

A few minutes later, George emerged. "Come on!"

"That was disgusting. I saw what you two were doing."

"What? We weren't doing anything. She was giving me some schematics. You and I are going on a secret mission."

"What secret mission?"

"Come on!" George ran off down the passageway.

Fred followed. When he caught up to George, his twin already had the hatch to one of the escape pods open.

"Look at this," said George. He pulled out a sheet of parchment and touched it with his wand. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good." The blank sheet of parchment suddenly showed the complicated blue prints of a massive battle station.

"What have you got there?"

"It's Lord Voldemort's latest evil plot. He's building this thing. It can destroy entire worlds! We have to stop him." George tapped to parchment again. "Mischief managed." The schematics disappeared. Then George grabbed his brother and shoved him into the escape pod.

"Wait!" cried Fred as George climbed in after him. He pulled out his invisibility cloak and spread it over both of them. "Okay, let's go!"

George triggered the release.

Aboard the imperial cruiser, a gunner targeted the plummeting escape pod.

"Save your ammunition," said the sensor officer next to him. "There're no life forms aboard."

۞

Death Eaters brought Princess Hermione before the Dark Lord.

"Darth Snape," she sneered. "Only you would be so bold. The Ministry of Magic will not stand still for this."

"Don't act so innocent, Miss Granger," sneered Snape. "You weren't on any mercy mission this time. A scroll of top secret information was smuggled aboard this ship."

"I am a member of the Ministry of Magic on a diplomatic mission to Hogwarts . . ."

"You are a member of the Rebel Alliance and a spy. Take her away!"

۞

"Wait a minute," mumbled Fred as the escape pod hurdled down towards the desert planet below. "Did you say that Lord Voldemort is behind this? I thought he was dead."

"Oh, he got better in a sequel. He's back now."

"No, I'm pretty sure he isn't back yet. I think he's still dead."

"It's all because of the way the Dark Side warps time and space. Things get really confusing."

"What are you talking about?"

"Have your tried counting . . . in Roman numerals?"

"What?"

"Go ahead. Try and count."

"IV, V, VI, I, II, III. So what's your point?"

"Look out!" The escape capsule hit the ground, bounced once, came down again, and split wide open, spilling the twins out onto the hot, desert sand.

"Ow! Hey, this really hot! We have to find shelter and water quickly, or we'll die. Let's go this way."

"No, let's go this way."

"No, this way."

"This way."

"I'm not going that way. I'm going this way."

"I'm not going there. This is the right way."

"You go your way. I'll go mine."

"Fine."

"Fine."

"Fine."

۞

"That scroll with the secret plans is not on board, Lord Snape."

A second Death Eater reported, "An escape pod was jettisoned down to the planet surface. Sensors indicated there were no life forms aboard."

Darth Snape pondered. "She must have put the schematics inside. Send a suicide squad down to retrieve it and then set course to return to the fleet."

"Aren't we going to wait for the suicide squad to return?"

"They're a suicide squad. They're not supposed to return."

۞

Fred came upon what had been a desert oasis. Beside it was a sign which read: "Last water, 500 miles." But the lake in the middle had filled up with sand decades ago, and all the greenery had long since died out.

"This is all George's fault. He tricked me into going this way. But he'll fare no better." Fred looked up when the glint off the windshield of a distant flying car flashed in his eyes.

"I'm saved!" he shouted. "Over here! OVER HERE!"

۞

Under the grueling twin suns, George Weasley stumbled along, overwhelmed by the unrelenting desert heat. His lips were chapped and split open; his freckled skin was sunburnt and blistered; his mouth would give anything for a drop of pumpkin juice.

"Ooooh, look wha' we 'ave 'ere," grumbled an evil-sounding voice in front of him. "A gen'leman tha's los' 'is way, I'd say. Oh, 'e's a bi' of all righ', 'e is."

George tried to focus his eyes against the glare reflecting off the sand. It looked like a house elf. But usually, house elves were cheerful and friendly. This one looked like twelve kinds of bad news.

"Creature?"

"Ooh, 'e knows us, 'e does. But who cares? 'E's all alone ou' 'ere. No' a good place to be. No' a good way to be."

"Creature, have you got anything to drink?"

Creature forced a smile. "I go' some'ing be''er than a drink, young mas'er. Come 'ere and 'ake a look."

George took a wary step forward, and suddenly everything went black.


	2. Help Me, ObiWan Hagrid

Chapter 2: Help Me, Obi-Wan Hagrid

The letter in emerald green ink read:

_Hogwarts Planet_

_of Witchcraft & Wizardry_

_Dear Mr. Potwalker,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at the Hogwarts Planet of Witchcraft & Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

_Term begins on Sept. 1. We await your reply not later than July 31._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore_

In disbelief, Harry lowered the letter. "Can I go, Uncle Vernon?"

"Don't be ridiculous," grumbled the fat old man, reaching across the table for seconds. "That's harvest time. It's when I need you the most."

"But, say, what if we got some more hands or maybe bought some slaves. Then could I go?"

"Oh and where are these slaves supposed to come from? Are you going to wizard them right out of the sky?"

CRASH! BANG! THUD! Rattle, rattle, rattle. BUMP!

"Ooh, tha' was a s'upid place 'o build a 'ouse, righ' were I was planning on landing." Slabs of pourstone toppled from the ceiling. Dust filled the room. A pair of hostile eyes glared out of the driver's seat of a heretofore flying car.

Uncle Vernon frowned. "Creature, what are you doing in my kitchen?"

The house elf gave him an evil grin. "I go' a couple of fine slaves here, I though' you migh' like firs' choice."

"Slaves?" beamed Harry. "Now I can go to Hogwarts!"

"Not so fast, Harry." Uncle Vernon glared at Creature. "Let's see what you got."

The family tootled around to the boot of the car while Creature clambered down and opened it up. Two bound and gagged teenage boys were trying to struggle their way free.

"Ugh," grunted Uncle Vernon. "Redheads. Redheads don't last too longer under this sun. Look, they're already blistering."

"No caps, no sunscreen," explained Creature, 'bu' they'll clean up, jus' fine."

A price was quickly negotiated. Fred and George were hoisted out of the boot of the flying car, and then Creature backed the vehicle up and flew away.

"Take these two out to the slave quarters and get them settled in," Uncle Vernon told Harry.

"Slave quarters?"

"The garage!"

"Oh, okay." Harry led Fred and George out behind the house to a large, dilapidated building. He ungagged them and cut their wrist bindings.

"So we're slaves now?" moaned Fred. He glared at George. "This is all your fault."

"Empty out your pockets," grunted Harry pointing to a large, bare worktable. As their few paltry items were tossed onto the table, Harry plucked up one of them. "What's this?"

"It's just a blank piece of parchment."

"No, there's writing on it: 'Help me Obi-Wan Hagrid. You're my only hope.' Obi-Wan Hagrid? Who's he?"

Fred and George played dumb.

"I wonder if that means Old Ben Hagrid."

"Who?" asked George.

"He's a crazy old coot who lives way out by the Cursed Cactus Patch, out in that direction."

"Maybe we should take the parchment to him and see what he says."

"It's too late, now. It's getting dark, and the Dementors will be coming out."

"Dementors?"

"Horrible, rotting creatures who can suck the happiness and even the soul right out of you. It's too dangerous to travel at night with them around."

A cry came from the house. "Harry! Harry! It's time for you to make us supper!"

Harry Potwalker sighed. "Coming, Aunt Cactus Flower."

۞

Before turning in that evening, Harry went back out to the garage to check on the new slaves. He discovered that Fred, George and the parchment were all missing.


	3. Dementors

Chapter 3: Dementors

The next morning, Uncle Vernon came stumbling out to breakfast. "Where's that stupid Harry kid?"

"Oh, he borrowed my broom awhile back. He said something about wanting to sweep out the garage."

Okay, Harry had told a bit of a lie. In reality, Harry Potwalker was out riding the broomstick, whipping across the desert after Fred and George. Magic, such as riding broomsticks and setting giant snakes upon Dudley, didn't sit too well with the Dursleys. So Harry kept mum about his powers.

It wasn't hard for Harry to follow the two off-worlders. Their path was a straight as a laser beam, heading for the Cursed Cactus Patch. So whenever they had passed over rocky outcroppings or baserock, it was simple to pick up their trail again on the other side. And their trail was getting fresher by the minute.

WHAMM! YIEEEE! OWWWW!

Harry suddenly flew off his broomsticks and, from out of nowhere, Fred and George were tumbling across the desert.

Harry bounced off a large bolder and landed on his head. "Where did you guys come from?"

"Hummm? What?" said Fred, hiding his invisibility cloak behind his back.

"Whazzat you're hiding behind your back? Is that an invisibility cloak?"

"What invisibility cloak?" replied Fred. "I didn't see any invisibility cloak."

Harry grumbled, "That's an old joke," and made a grab for the cloak. "I need it. The weather's getting cold."

Fred looked around nervously. "It is getting cold."

George added, "Uh oh."

Cloaked and hooded dementors began floating in from all directions. Ice formed on nearby cactuses. Snowflakes danced in the air. Everything stank of rotting flesh.

George pulled out his wand. "What's the charm again?"

Fred mumbled, "Uh, 'Expectorate something'?"

"I know." George flicked his wand. "Petroleum prospectus!"

Fred flicked his wand too. "Post-partum Depression!"

"Exactimundo, Barbarino!"

"Exceptional Peon!"

"Erroneous Planetarium!"

As the dementors circled closer and closer, the strength went out of the young men's knees. The boys knew in their heart of hearts, they'd never be happy again. The three of them slowly sank to the ground and toppled. Dementors sailed over the top of each of them, sucking out wisps of their souls as they did so.

"Extracto Palimony," mumbled Fred with the last of his strength.

"Errata Patricio."

"Exceptional Poltroonery."

"EXPECTRO PATRONUM!" bellowed a new voice, and into the swirl of dementors tore an ethereal hippogriff, tossing the monsters this way and that, ripping huge chunks from their cadavers with its sharp beak and scattering them with its huge beating wings.

As the dementors fled from the ghostlike protector, the three boys slowly regain consciousness and stumbled back up onto their feet.

Down a sand dune, came a twelve-foot giant wearing a mole-skin jacket and carrying a pink umbrella. "You'll be doin' me a favor if you don't tell anyone about that. Strictly speakin', I ain't supposed to do magic." He grinned through an enormously bushy black beard.

"Hagrid!" cried Fred and George together.

"And wha' at you two doin' here? You're supposed to be guardin' Princess Hermione."

"Our spaceship was captured by Darth Snape," explained Fred.

"She sent us here so that you could get this secret message to Professor Dumbledore," added George.

"Great man, Dumbledore." Obi-Wan Hagrid unrolled the scroll. "And a bloody good secret message this is too. There ain't nothing here." He lowered the scroll. "Who's this?"

Harry said, "Harry Potwalker, sir."

"Oh, I ain't no 'sir.' I'm about as far from 'sir' as a fellow can get. Call me, Hagrid. –Hey, aren't you one of the new kids who got accepted to Hogwarts?

"Yeah, but I can't go. My uncle needs me to stay home to help with the harvest . . . now that our newest slaves have run off."

"Really? Too bad about that. But stop up at my place. I got sort of a present for you."

"A present?"

Hagrid led the three boys and the last remaining wisps of the patronus over the dune, passed the Cursed Cactus Patch and up a small mountain to a stone cabin. Hagrid went in and came back out with Harry's present. "Here ya go."

"Er, it's a stick."

"Beauty, ain't she?"

"It's a stick."  
>"Made from a yew tree, thirteen and a half inches long, phoenix-feather core. It's a magic wand, Harry."<p>

"A what?"

Fred beamed. "It's a wand, Harry. It means you're an apprentice wizard, like us."

"Right!" agreed George. "Give it a try. Just swish and flick."

"I swish and flick?"

"Yeah."

Harry was looking back in the direction they had come from. He swished and flicked. There came the flash of light brighter than the sun, followed moments later by a roar louder than the end of Creation and a blast of fiery wind hotter than dragon's breath. When the inferno had swept passed, the four of them were looking at a blazing mushroom cloud as it climbed ever higher into the blue-white sky.

"Yep, you're a wizard all right," murmured Hagrid, "and a thumpin' good one too, I'd wager."

Fred shrugged. "Looks like you won't be going home again."

George asked, "What's the half-life of thaumic radiation?"

"It," stammered Harry, "it was an accident."

"You'd best be coming along with us to Hog Eismeade. From there, we can hire transportation which will take us off-world to Hogwarts," said Hagrid. "There's not much left for you back there."


	4. A Hive of Scum and Villainy

Chapter 4: A Hive of Scum and Villainy

It was just a few minutes later when Fred and George came strolling out of the hearth into the Hog's Head pub. Harry followed, stumbling and sneezing. Obi-Wan Hagrid came last.

Harry looked at him. "Flue powder?"

The giant nodded. "Flue powder, me lad. Now watch yourself in here. This place boasts some of the best star pilots in the galaxy, but it's also a hive of scum and villainy. Now me, Fred and George is gonna scout around. You just be inconspicuous."

Harry nodded nervously. He went to the crowded bar, sat down next to a goblin and ordered a butter beer.

"A wha?" replied the bartender. "Hey kid, this ain't the Three Broomsticks."

A mountain troll sitting on the other side of the goblin rumbled something. The goblin translated, "He don't like you."

"Sorry," said Harry.

The goblin added, "I don't like you either. I've got the death sentence against me on twelve planets. You best watch yourself."

"I'll be careful."

"You'll be dead."

A massive hand fell upon the shoulder of the goblin. Hagrid was looking down. "This young fellow ain't worth the trouble. Here, let me buy you something."

The goblin hissed and jerked out a weapon.

Hagrid picked him up and threw him through a window.

The mountain troll roared and leapt to his feet.

Hagrid punched him in the crotch, and when the troll double over, Hagrid grabbed him by the nostrils, dragged him across the room, used a free hand to open the door, tossed the mountain troll outside, and then slammed the door shut.

Harry heard a rattle and turned to find a bottle of butter beer on the bar beside him.

The bartender forced a grin onto his ugly face. "Just happened to find one for you. Drink it in good health."

Hagrid lumbered back over. "You'll be doin' me a favor if you don't tell anyone about that. Strictly speakin', I ain't supposed to commit mayhem." He scratched his enormous, bushy black beard and then led Harry to a booth in the back of Hog's Head. "I found someone who's a first mate on a ship that might suit our needs."

Harry stopped dead when he saw the small furry rodent sniffing about on the table. "Hagrid, that's a rat."

The giant planted his seat in the booth and nodded. "His name is Scabbers."

"Hagrid, that's a rat."

۞

Darth Snape reported to Grand Muff Dolores Jane Umbridge aboard the Imperial battle station, Death Star.

"I've forced her to drink gallons of veritas potion," Snape said. "I still can't get Princess Hermione to reveal the location of the rebel's secret base."

"Ahem, ahem," replied Umbridge. She was an immensely fat and ugly woman, wearing a dark green cloak and, in her hair, a black bow. The combination made her look like a frog with a fly sitting on her head. "Perhaps you've been too gentle with her, Lord Snape. Girl's her age need a firm hand." She turned to her helmsman. "I'm hereby issuing Educational Decree No. 2,343?"

"Forty-four," he corrected her.

"Ah yes, Educational Decree No. 2,344. The Death Star shall forthwith change course towards the planet of Hogwarts." She smiled sweetly and then strolled off through the Death Star humming a merry little tune.

۞

A red-headed boy with large ears slipped into the booth. "Scabbers tells me you need someone to take you to Hogwarts."

"But you're just a kid!" protested Harry.

Hagrid put a steading hand on his arm. "You're the pilot?"

The kid nodded. "Ron Weasley."

Hagrid's brain tried to think, but it soon gave up. "Any relation to Fred and George Weasley?"

"You know them?"

"They're here with us."

Ron looked around. "If this involves my brothers, I'll have to charge you twice my normal price. So it's, um, 10,000 galleons."

"10,000 galleons?" gasped Harry. "We can almost buy our own spaceship with that."

"But who's going to pilot her? You?"

Harry glared at him. "You bet. I've already got my learner's permit."

Hagrid said, "We can pay you 2,000 now and another 15,000 when we get to Hogwarts."

Ron took off his shoes and socks so he could add up the numbers. "Seventeen thousand? You've got yourself a pilot. What the cargo?"

"Just passengers. Me, Harry here, your two brothers, and no questions."

"Let's meet in fifteen minutes in Docking Bay THX 1138."

Hagrid and Harry left to find Fred and George.

"Wow Scabbers, seventeen thousand galleons. This can really save me hide. Go get things ready."

The rat scampered off, and Ron prepared to follow. From out of nowhere, a blond hair kid slipped into the booth with him.

"Hello, Weasley," he hissed.

"Oh hi, Draco. Good news. I have the money."

"Good. Hand it over."

"I don't have it on me. But I just got a fat charter. I'll be able to pay off everything I owe."

"I want the money now."

"I don't have the money now."

Draco shook his head slowly. "Weasley, you shouldn't bet on Quidditch games if you can't afford to lose." He pulled out his wand. "CRUXIATUS!"

Draco Malfoy looked down the length of his wand to see that it was pointing directly at a mirror that Ron was holding. "Ow," he said. "Ow, ow, ow! OW! Oh, that is really painful! OW, OW, OW!" Draco shoved his wand back into his clothing and jumped up. "OWIE, OWIE, OWIE! Oh, it really hurts now!" He began running around. "OW! OW! OW!" He ran for the door. "YOW! OUCH! OH! YIEEEEE!" he wailed and ran out the exit.

۞

Everyone was waiting for Ron when he arrived at the landing bay. Fred and George were seething.

"You stole Dad's flying car!"

"I can't believe you stole his car!"

"I didn't steal this car from Dad," Ron explained. "Creature stole if from Dad; I stole it from Creature."

"Look at this big dent in the front! It looks like you drove it through a bloody pourstone wall!"

"Shut up and get in. We're about ready to take off."

"Ron, you idiot! You can't take a car into outer space."

"Can too, if we all roll up the windows really tight."

Off in the distance, a squad of Imperial troops hurried into the docking bay. "There they are!" echoed the officer's electronic voice. "Blast 'em!" The troops began firing their blasters.

Ron cried, "Everybody, get in the car NOW!"

Scabbers jumped up on the front dashboard. Hagrid crushed himself into the passenger's seat. Ron got behind the wheel. In the back, Fred and George made Harry sit between them with his feet on the hump.

"Make sure your windows are all the way up!" cried Ron. "Here we go!"

The flying car rolled out of the docking bay and climbed into the sky. Higher and higher it went, leaving the soldiers far behind.

BAMM! The flying car was rocked by a near miss.

Fred looked over his shoulder. "There's a big Imperial cruiser coming up behind us . . . very fast!"

BOOM!

George added, "Its lasercannon shots are getting closer! Get us out of here!"

Ron said, "In a moment."

"Now!" urged Fred. "Now! Now! Now!"

Ron mumbled, "Port key, port key, port key. Ah! Here it is! Hold on, everyone!"

It felt as if something had grabbed hold of Harry right behind his belly button and yanked him ahead at a blinding speed.


	5. Death Star

Chapter 5: Death Star

"Ahem, ahem," echoed the syrupy sweet voice of Grand Muff Dolores Jane Umbridge. "And what is the name of the planet we're approaching?"

"It's the planet Hogwarts, Grand Muff, just as you ordered."

"Oh no," she squeaked. "Not me. We were directed here by Educational Decree No. 2,344. Now, where is that naughty little girl?"

Death Eaters dragged Princess Hermione forward. They were followed by the ominous figure of Darth Snape.

The lip of the princess curled. "Grand Muff Umbridge. I thought I detected your foul odor."

"No need to me nasty, dear. I believe you are here to tell me the location of the rebel base?"

"Guess again, fat lady."

"No, well. Let me explain the situation. We are currently aboard the most powerful weapon ever created. It is capable of destroying an entire planet, such as, oh let me see, that one."

"Not Hogwarts! It's an educational planet! There's nothing there but school children! It has no weapons! It bears no strategic importance!"

"Oh dear. How unfortunate. Perhaps you'd like to supply be with an alternate target? For the sake of argument, let's say, a _military_ target?" The Grand Muff smiled sweetly.

Princess Hermione wilted. "Datooine. The rebels are on Datooine."

"See dear, that wasn't so hard." The Grand Muff turned to her crew. "Continue with the firing sequence, please."

"Whhhhhhhaaaaaaaatttttttt?"

"You're far too trusting, my dear. Datooine is too isolated to serve as a sufficient deterrent, albeit, we shall deal with them directly."

An evil red light slashed out from the battle station, stabbing down at the blue-green jewel of a planet. It exploded into a hextillion pieces."

۞

The flying car skidded out of hyperspace.

"Ron? What did you do?"

"I didn't do nothing. Yieeee!" Ron jammed the wheel over in order to dodge a gigantic boulder that was hurdling at him. Then there was another. "Look out!" He turned the wheel the other way. A third rock flew at them. "Hold on!" Ron dodged again.

Marcus Flint, Pansy Parkinson, Millicent Bulstrodem and Lucian Bole flew passed on broomsticks. The quartet flew in a tight formation. Each had a clear bubbled conjured over his or her head, and each was looking curiously at the flying car.

Hagrid frowned, "What are those four Slytherins doing way out here?"

"They're turning away and fleeing," said Fred.

"After them, Ron!" commanded George.

Ron Weasley jammed the car into low and accelerated.

Hagrid said, "They're headed for that small moon."

Harry said, "That's no moon. It's a space station."

"Naw, it's too big to be a space station."

"I've got a bad feeling about this."

Suddenly, an "accio" reached out, grabbed them, and no matter what they tried, dragged them inside the space station."

"Oh buggar!"

۞

Darth Snape swept into Hanger Deck 13. A group of Death Eaters with wands at the ready had formed a wide circle around the car, the front end of which was badly bashed in, as if someone had driven it through a pourstone wall. Darth peered in through the window.

"It's empty."

"Yes, Lord Snape."

"Did anyone leave?"

"No, Lord Snape, although the car doors did open and close mysteriously several times. Well, there was that pair of large boots that walked away on their own, but you'd radioed to say we were to detain people, not footwear."

"Boots?"

"Yessir. Big ones."

۞

In a nearby control booth, Hagrid was divesting himself of the invisibility cloak. "Wish it had been a bit bigger," he said. "Parts of me were hanging out."

Harry was looking back into the hanger deck. "It's okay. They're still gathered around the car."

"Hey, look at this!" exclaimed George as he examined one of the computer screens.

"It's Princess Hermione!" gasped Fred. "They're going to execute her!"

"What!" bellowed Hagrid.

"We have to rescue her!" added Ron.

Harry asked. "But how?"


	6. Escape

Chapter 6: Escape

Into the detention center, came a 12-foot giant in chains, a rat which was only a few inches high in itty-bitty chains and four young wizards in Death Eater uniforms.

The duty officer looked up. "No one alerted me to any prisoner transfers," he complained.

Suddenly, wands were out. "PETRIFICUS TOTALUS!"

The detention guards' arms snapped to their sides, their legs jumped together, they all became as stiff as boards, and then one by one, they began toppling over.

Fred was unshackling Hagrid. Ron was unshackling Scabbers.

The rat leaped up onto a control panel and seemed to blunder against an alarm switch.

Lights began flashing. Klaxons began blaring.

"We gotta hurry!" shouted Hagrid.

Harry was already running down the corridor towards Princess Hermione's cell. He unlocked and slid the door open.

She got up off her cot, blinking. "You're a little short for a Death Eater, aren't you?"

"Huh? Oh, the uniform. No, I'm Harry Potwalker. I'm here to rescue you!"

Hagrid shoved his smiling face in through the door. "Hello Hermione!"

"Hagrid!" Hermione ran to him and gave him a hug.

The Weasley boys were retreating towards them. "Death Eaters!" they cried. "Lots of them."

Harry shouted, "Where's the back door?"

"There isn't any!"

Hagrid glanced around. "Where do you want one?"

"Just there!"

The giant ripped out a section of wall.

Ron scooped up Scabbers and leaped into the newly-made opening. Fred and George followed.

"Come on!" bellowed Harry as he jumped in too.

But Hagrid was looking into the huge black maw he'd created with some trepidation. "I don't know . . ."

"Move it, ya big baby!" shouted Hermione. Her kick in the seat of Hagrid's pants sent him hurtling downwards.

Then she leaped in after him.

۞

They landed on some kind of squishy plant. Snakelike tendrils began wrapping around them.

"I know what this is!" said Hermione. "It's Devil's Snare!"

"Devil's Snare?" gasped Hagrid. He pointed his pink umbrella. "Incidio!" A bolt of blue flame shot out. The plant screamed and let everybody go.

"Come on, everybody!" Harry shouted. "This way!"

They raced down a stone passageway to a room filled with flying keys. Ron sheltered his eyes and raced across the room to the door on the far side. It was locked.

"Alohamora!" cried Hermione, who was right behind him. The door stayed locked.

Hagrid was there too. He threw his tremendous shoulder against the door, but he merely bounced off.

"We need to find the proper key!" Harry declared as his eyes searched through the swarm of glittering keys. "Ah there!" He picked up Scabbers and flung the hapless rat, which struck the key squarely, and both fell to the floor.

Harry raced across the room, followed by Fred and George. He scooped up both the rat and the key, raced the rest of the way to the door, tossed Scabbers to Ron, jammed the key into the lock and twisted. The door clicked and opened.

Everyone hurried through and slammed the door just as the other side of it was pockmarked by thousands of angry, flying keys.

They found themselves looking at a gigantic chessboard. Each of the men was as large as they were.

George muttered. "I think we have to play our way across."

The White King turned and nodded gravely.

Fred said, "Ron, you're the best chess player here. You need to tell us what do so."

Ron nodded and stepped onto the White King's square. The piece obediently left the field. Harry replaced the pawn directly in front of Ron. Hermione replaced the Queen. Scabbers took the place of the pawn directly in front of her. The twins replaced the two bishops, and Hagrid wandered down and replaced the king-side rook.

"Okay Harry," said Ron slowly. "Advance two squares.

Harry did, but a black pawn took two steps forward and was looking him right in the eye. "Ron?"

"Nothing to worry about, Harry. Pawns aren't allowed to take straight ahead. George, three squared diagonally, if you please."

George, who had been standing next to Ron came out and took up his position, two squares to the left of Harry. As before, a black bishop echoed George's move and came out, standing nose to nose with George. "I sure hope you know what you're doing, little brother."

"Hermione," said Ron gently. "Two squares forward and to the right, please."

She walked out cautiously, taking her position just behind Harry and one square to his right.

Ron could tell that Black wanted to again copy the move, but that would place the two Queens across the board from each other. Black was too cautious to chance that move. Instead, the pawn in front of the Black Queen came one square forward to take up a supporting position behind the pawn of the Black King.

Ron grinned. "Hermione, go forward quickly! Run straight ahead! Take the place of that black pawn there!"

She didn't understand, but she did as she was told. She ran forward and elbowed the black pawn out of the way.

"Check mate!" Ron gloated.

They hurried into the next room. As they did so, flames leapt up behind them. Flames also blocked the doorway on the far side. In the center of the room was a long table with seven potions on it. Next to the potions was a long and very complicated poem. A clever person was needed to figure out which potion did what.

"What do we do, Princess?" asked Hagrid helplessly.

"Simple," said Hermione. "It's pure logic. Has anyone figured it out yet?"

The three Weasleys were mouthing the complex wording of the poem, trying to make heads or tails of it. Finally, they gave up, as did Harry and Hagrid. "It's up to you."

Hermione winked. "Pour the potions on the fire and quench the flames," she instructed them.

So, feeling awfully stupid, they did.

The final door took them back to Hanger Deck 13. Darth Snape turned to them. "Ah Hagrid," he hissed. "At last, our final battle." The potions master slowly raised his wand.

So Hagrid belted him. Hard. Snape flew backwards and hit his cowl on a metal bulkhead.

"Quick everybody!" shouted Harry. "Run for the car!"

It was a short sprint. Everyone crammed themselves in, Ron fired up the engine, and the car turned and fled from the Death Star.


	7. Gold & Red

Chapter 7: Gold & Red

As they flew through the blackness of outer space, Hagrid blubbered.

"Hagrid? What's the matter?"

The giant wiped his tears with his bushy black beard. "Hogwarts has been blown up! Dumbledore's dead! Great man, Dumbledore."

They flew on in silence after that . . . all the way to the moon of Yavin. When they landed, Dumbledore was waiting to greet them.

"Sir! You're not dead!"

"Yes, Hagrid. That would appear to be the case."

"But Hogwarts, Professor! It was blown to pieces!"

"The planet, yes," admitted the long-bearded wizard with the sparkly blue eyes behind half-moon glasses. "But the school, no. What kind of a grand wizard would I be if I couldn't predict complete and utter ruin? So, I simply moved the school here to this moon."

"But sir," Hagrid protested. "How is that possible?"

Dumbledore shrugged. "Magic."

"So we're all safe and sound?"

"Well yes we would be . . . if it weren't for Quidditch."

"Beg pardon, sir?"

"Quidditch, Hagrid. It's a game. Played on broomsticks with five balls and - -."

"I know what Quidditch is, sir. The whole bloody universe knows what Quidditch is. But why would it put us in any kind of danger?"

"Well, contrary to what it says on my chocolate-frog card, I can't think of everything. It seems that the Death Star has a Quidditch team, quite a good one, I'm lead to believe. And, as luck would have it, its next game is scheduled here at the moon of Yavin."

"So once the Death Star gets here . . ."

"Precisely, Hagrid. Its advanced sensors will detect us, and the moon of Yavin will suffer the same fate as the planet of Hogwarts."

"Unless," interjected Harry.

"Unless what?"

"Unless we win."

۞

"Once the Weasleys told us the secret of how to read the Marauders' Map," announced Professor McGonagall, "it was easy to examine the schematics and detect a weakness in the defenses of the Death Star. Precisely, here." She pointed to where the diagram showed a heat vent right below the three hoops of the home team's goal.

"Instead of driving the quaffle through one their hoops, we must drive in into the vent. The quaffle will proceed down, jamb up the central reactor here, and cause a chain reaction which should blow up the entire battle station."

"Fred and I can help," added George. "There's only one quaffle, but there are two bludgers. We beaters could smash a bludger down the vent and also cause an explosion."

"That would be a mistake," said McGonagall. "Bludgers are enchanted to attack the nearest Quidditch player. So, if one of them goes down the shaft, it will reverse its course and come back out. Not only will it not make it down to the central reactor, but if the quaffle is hit while the bludger is down in the vent, when it reverses course, it will sweep the quaffle back out along with it."

"What about the golden snitch?"

"It's too lightweight to start a chain reaction. So our strike must be with the quaffle. Is that clearly understood?" She waited for any questions, but when there weren't any, she continued:

"Gryffindor House, having the best Hogwarts team, has been selected for this mission. I have divided the team into two squadrons, named for the two Gryffindor colors: gold and red. Gold Squadron shall be made up of chaser Angelina Johnson, chaser Alicia Spinnet, and chaser Katie Bell. It shall be the task of you three ladies to deliver the fatal blow. Supporting Golf Squadron shall be Red squadron. Red Squadron shall consist of keeper Oliver Wood, beater Fred Weasley, beater George Weasley and seeker Harry Potwalker."

Hands shot up faster than toadstools on a foggy morning. "Who?"

Professor McGonagall gave the group a cold stare. "You've all been obviously snoozing through your class in Divination, or else you would remember the legendary prophesy:

Harry Potwalker, he's our man.

If he can't do it, no one can.

The Gryffindors looked suitably embarrassed.

"We must destroy the Death Star before the end of the match. For if we do not, the spectators will return to their work stations, and those on the battle station's advanced sensors will detect our hideout here. I needn't tell you the ramifications of such a detection - - complete and utter destruction of this moon and its entire population."

۞

The next morning, Harry found Ron and Scabbers piling bag after bag of galleons into the boot of the flying car.

"Where are you two going?"

"Mate, I wish you all the best. But if you fail, this place is going to be turned into a well-charred asteroid belt. I'm not going to be here when that happens." He slammed the boot closed, picked up Scabbers, and they both climbed into the flying car. Scabbers took up station on the dashboard. "Try hard not to get yourself killed, eh?" Ron started the engine, and then he and Scabbers flew off.

Harry went over to where the Gryffindor team was forming up. Angelina Johnson, Alicia Spinnet, Katie Bell, Oliver Wood, Fred Weasley, George Weasley and Harry all conjured glass bubbles over their heads so they could breathe. Then they mounted their broomsticks and flew out to meet the team from the Death Star.

Already circling the Death Star's Quidditch pitch were their opponents, the green-and-silver-clad team of chaser Graham Montague, chaser Adrian Pucey, chaser C. Warrington, keeper Miles Bletchley, beater Vincent Crabbe, beater Gregory Goyle, and back from his recent stay in the hospital wing for a badly botched cruxiatus curse: seeker Draco Malfoy.


	8. Quidditch

Chapter 8: Quidditch

Tradition called for a Quidditch match to be commenced with the blowing of a sliver whistle. However, in outer space there is no air to carry sound, plus, it would have been hard for Grand Muff Umbridge to put the whistle to her lips while she was wearing a glass bubble over the head. So instead, the chunky witch started the match by sending up green sparklers from her wand.

The Gold Squadron pounced on the quaffle. Chaser Angelina Johnson took it first, and after nicely using a block provided by Katie Bell, she dodged a bludger and raced for the Slytherin hoops. Miles Bletchley was blocking them expertly, so she flung the quaffle and the vent in the ground. The ball hit the rim, bounced back up, ricocheted off of Bletchley's broom and wobbled though the lowest hoop. Ten points to Gryffindor.

Harry was hovering nearby Wood. The Gryffindor captain touched bubbles with him and asked, "You know what to do, right?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "My job as seeker is to catch the golden snitch."

"NO! Exactly wrong! In any other game yes, but if in this game, you catch the snitch, the match is over, and the sensor officers go back to their stations. So don't catch the snitch and make sure that Malfoy doesn't catch it either!"

"Oh. Yeah. Right."

Alicia Spinnet stole the quaffle from Slytherin and made another drive on the goal. She faked a shot on the upper hoop and then pretended at she had lost control of the ball, sending it downwards. It bounced off a bludger that was streaking up to knock Alicia half off her broom, and then the quaffle bounced off Crabbe's massive forehead and went in. Twenty to nothing.

Harry turned to see Malfoy glaring at him, as if Gryffindor's twenty quick points were somehow Harry's fault. Then Malfoy's eyes grew wide in surprise and he suddenly accelerated. Harry turned to see the snitch just a few meters away. ("Don't catch the snitch and make sure that Malfoy doesn't catch it either!") Harry spun and flew quickly to put himself between the charging Slytherin seeker and the snitch, while the snitch put on a burst of speed and whined away.

Perhaps Malfoy saw where it went because he kept pursuing. Harry went after him. WHAM! A bludger had smashed Harry square in the face. As Harry's vision swam with pain, he noticed Gregory Goyle laughing triumphantly. The lumbering oaf bowed and then flew off.

Harry tried to get his bearings and/or tried to see where Malfoy had gone off to. But all he saw was Katie Bell failing in another attempt to knock the quaffle down the vent, with the rebound going through yet another hoop. Thirty to nothing.

۞

Darth Snape flanked by Death Eaters was waiting for Grand Muff Umbridge when she returned to Hanger Bay 13 after starting the game. He waited until she had dissolved her glass bubble before speaking.

"We've been analyzing the attack of the team from Yavin. It is not as innocent as it might first appear. Their chasers have repeatedly attempted to drive the quaffle down a certain exhaust vent. It's one that leads down to our central reactor. If the ball goes down that vent, the reactor will overload, and this station will be destroyed."

"But there's no way to stop the game," said Grand Muff Umbridge. "Whistles, horns, even the sound of shouting cannot be heard in outer space. We have no way of communicating with our team."

"We've hit upon an idea which will be most effective in halting the game. I and these Death Eaters will fly among the Yavin team and use the 'Avada Kedavra' curse on them."

The Grand Muff nodded. "Yes, that would do it. Well, what are you waiting for?"

۞

Fifty-to-nothing. Merlin's Beard! What was with these girls of the Gold Squadron? Wasn't there any way they could get the quaffle into the exhaust vent and not knock it through one of the hoops?

George tapped Harry on the shoulder and pointed. Far off across the surface of the Death Star and new group of broom riders was approaching. As they came closer, Harry recognized Darth Snape. He and the others had their wands out, and they looked as if they were ready to kill.

Harry touched bubbles with George. "They've figured out what we're trying to do! These guys are here to kill us! Quick, warn the others!"

Harry and George peeled away from each other, heading to other Gryffindors, touching bubbles, and shouting warnings.

In another few minutes, black amorphic curses were speeding from the newcomers' wands, smashing wildly into turrets, sensor towers, and maneuvering jets, exploding as they did so.

The Gryffindor team was in total disarray now, scrambling for their lives. Slytherin knocked the quaffle into an unguarded hoop. It was 50-10.

Katie Bell snatched up to loose quaffle and made a final drive on the exhaust vent. Explosions ripped to her left and her right. She ducked a bludger.

Then Malfoy crashed his shoulder into her, knocking the ball loose. He turned and hurled a curse at it. When it hit, the quaffle exploded into shreds and smoking pieces of rubber.

Darth Snape, followed by a formation of Death Eaters, was closing in on Harry now. Harry could see a triumphant sneer spread across Darth Snapes' features. Their wands came up, their tips glowing with dark-side power.

From seemingly out of nowhere, the flying car was there, crashing into the deadly formation, sending the Slytherins caroming in all directly.

Harry seized the door handle and hung on. He touched his bubble to the car window. "Ron, you came back!" he shouted gleefully.

"It wasn't me, mate," admitted Ron. "It's this bloody car! It's got a mind of its own!"

"Nevertheless," gasped Harry, "you saved me!"

"Not for very long. We saw what happened to the quaffle. It's gone, mate, blown into a billion pieces. We've nothing else to shoot down the exhaust vent."

"There's one more thing," replied Harry. "Drive over to the vent!"

"I'll try," said Ron turning the wheel. "Bloody car." He steered his way over.

Harry was thinking of that trick he did the first time he laid hands on his wand. It was (if he recalled correctly) swish and flick. As they passed over the exhaust port, Harry swished and flicked. A glowing white bolt of power shot out of the wand and disappeared down the vent. "Let's get out of here!"

Ron steered the car upwards and floored the pedal. The car climbed wildly.

Below them, the whole Death Star shook violently. Then it began ripping apart at the seams, with hellish flames shooting out. Another shutter, and then it blew apart, a brilliant ring of fire spreading out so intense that could be seen to the end of the universe.

Lord Voldemort's Death Star was no more.

۞

The rebel alliance was aligned in military formations. On the dais in front of them, stood Princess Hermione, Professor Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall.

Harry and Ron with Scabbers perched on his shoulder marched down the center aisle to the beat of a martial tune. Hermione presented the two boys with medals. Then she directed them to turn around and face the troops of the alliance.

The soldiers cheered.

Harry beamed with joy.

Ron grinned with triumph.

Scabbers swore revenge on behalf of his Dark Lord master.

THE END


End file.
